Shy no more
Why am I shy?
Think about what the reasons may be. The most common causes are rooted in culture and upbringing, or religious education. If you can identify the origin of your shyness, you can then use critical thinking to reason and overcome preconceptions and understand the false knowledge associated with it. You will then become free of the perceived moral constraints that are holding you back.
Shyness is not a mental condition
Unlike social anxiety, which is an anxiety disorder, shyness is not a mental health issue. Understanding the difference is important: social anxiety is a fear of rejection and disapproval, while shyness is simply discomfort in social settings. If your shyness is an unidentified social fear that is not rooted in culture or religion, then you should consider talking with a therapist about that. Having a psychologist to talk with on a regular basis will help you overcome.
Challenge Your Thinking
- People don't know that you are shy unless you show them! You think everyone is judging your every move. People overlook the quiet one in the room until something happens to catch their attention. So, in effect, it is when your own behavior is different from others that people notice. Move! Move forward, move to the action, no one will see a shy person there.
- Switch from cautious mode to positive mode! Instead of "Can I do this?" switch to "I can do this". Don't question yourself if you can, or should. Just do it! What happens if you fail? There is no fail, there is only action. That action may not turn out as you wanted or expected, but that is not a fail. Move on, leave it behind, there are no consequences.
- Engage and take the initiative! Get social with like-minded people. It is easier to engage conversation on subjects of common interests. You don't have to join a club! Interested in sports, just go and watch with others, run with others. If your interests are less common, then search the Internet for a local focus point, a meetup, a place. There are others with the same interests, no matter how obscure you think it is. The less common an interest is, the more likely there is an interest group for that.
- Don't think so much! Instead of thinking back about what you did or said, move forward to the next action or encounter, don't overthink, don't wait, keep moving forward.
- Identify your strengths and weaknesses. Do you feel less shy with strangers, or with people you already know? These are your strengths. Oddly enough, put more effort toward the situations you already feel stronger about. This will build up your confidence to attack your weaknesses. If you feel more secure with strangers than with people who already know you, it is a fear about what people think of you. If you feel more confident with people you already know, it is the fear of the unknown, the fear of strangers.
- The power of "I Don't Know". Being able to say that you don't know something shows strength, objectivity, and openness to talk about something. Expressed with positive body language, it can lead to engaging conversations. When you say, with confidence, that you don't know, people will open up and engage with you. Mind you that what you hear may not be right, or not what you believe. It does not matter, you are not getting into an argument, you are simply engaging in a conversation.
- Body language talks! Use it to your advantage. Calm and confident, making welcoming eye-contact opens up people and helps you feel secure and confident. When you look at someone, do that while turning or moving toward them, it is inviting. If you look at someone without motion or turning away, the perception is negative, that you don't want to interact with that person.
Shyness does not define you. It is a behavior that you can change in time. Keep your focus on your goal, and don't be afraid to put yourself out there. And stop thinking so much!
Set yourself up:
Tweak your personal space with positive or daring changes:
- Change your phone ringtone to a song that makes you feel up and going when you hear it. Also, change notification sounds to something that makes you feel good.
- Odd but effective to overcome self-consciousness:
- Men: Wear red or orange socks with your suit, or any clothing accessory that is bound to catch the eye.
- Women: Wear a fashion accessory that says "Wow, unexpected", AND one daring undergarment that no one will see, but that you know you are wearing in public. Go shopping in a kinky place for that item!
- Perfume or Cologne that makes you feel sexy all over ... but don't take a bath in it! Keep it subtle.
Do it!
- "Fake it 'til you make it": Instead of just pretending that you feel confident, take on a character role in social settings. This could be a historical figure, a fictional character, or just what you want to be. Play that character, enjoy the fun while learning new social behaviors.
- Use humour to relax. Make it fun, it will relax you as well as the people you are engaging with. Their perception of you will be enjoyable and open instead of shy.
- Spontaneous gestures: This takes practice to make it happen without thinking. When something happen very near you, within your reach, step in to help with a simple gesture. Like someone running to the elevator you are in - put your hand on the door to hold it. Someone dropping something - move to help. It does not matter if you catch it, it only matters that you reacted and tried to help.
Choose your daily challenge:
Throughout your day, achieve 2 of 3 challenges, because that's ok if you don't have all the opportunities:
- Smile and say hello to five strangers.
- Compliment three people.
- Tease or engage with one person and ask three questions about their interests or themselves.
Spontaneous gestures are bonuses: as you cannot know when it may happen, if it will happen at all that day. Stay aware and react without pause, without thinking "Should I step in should I help?" Just do it!
